Miracle Story | Misguided Fasting & Prayer - Episode 19
Miracle Story | Misguided Fasting & Prayer - Episode 19
I wrote the previous eighteen miracles sometime ago. When coming to this spot, I just froze. I debated for literally years before deciding to include this one. It is no doubt a miracle, but one that honestly I am ashamed to admit to.
However, including it may very well help someone else. There is a lesson to be learned here, so I am going to humble myself, admit to my naivety and immaturity at the time and write about this experience.
Major Life Change
Not long after my father passed away, everything changed. My marriage had been rocky for years. I had been so on fire for the Lord and reading my Bible and going to church that my life felt truly alive, except for one thing. My marriage was, for me, horrible. He worked very long hours. He was a good provider, but that left very few hours at home with us.
The details of the downfall of my marriage is a story for another time. Suffice it to say that I had become horribly depressed and longed to be loved.
My father had loved me unconditionally. My mother loved me the best she could, but the scenario surrounding my conception and birth clouded me in a dense spirit of rejection, which I spoke about previously. A spirit of rejection prevents a person from feeling loved and accepted and, in return, pushes others away. I never felt loved or accepted and yearned for it.
Even after being delivered, the damage from years of experiencing that bondage remained. Let me encourage anyone who is walking through any type of deliverance; you still need to work on allowing God to heal what was damaged. Once delivered, so many walk away assuming that all is good and well and nothing more needs to be done. But where wounds were created, there needs to be healing and forgiveness.
Craving To Be Loved
As I said, my father had loved me unconditionally. But he was gone. I never ever felt loved other than that. I craved to be loved. I never ever felt that my husband loved me. If he had, he never once showed me or told me.
So, during that dark period of my life, I was subconsciously on a quest for love or to be loved. I dated a lot. I began a life of falling into relationships compulsively and hanging on to them for dear life, hoping I would feel loved. They were horrible and toxic relationships. I knew I should change, but couldn’t help it.
After my divorce, I did not handle the freedom from being on my own for the first time well. But I eventually began the climb out of the toxic fall God had allowed, not caused, but had allowed. I moved to Oklahoma City and got out of the area where I had lived and out of a relationship that I shouldn’t have been in.
I Wanted a New Start
A new start. I started going back to church and living a way that I knew to live. I felt so much better. I was in a Christian singles group and made great friends. But I carried guilt, shame, and sorrow for the previous few years. I told none of my new friends. I honestly didn’t even feel worthy to call myself a Christian. I was so ashamed.
I also carried still that compulsive need to feel loved. A need to be in a relationship that would fulfill that need to be loved. In the huge singles group I was in, there was a sea of single men. And I always seemed to pick the wrong ones. Unhealed wounds will do that to you. Those wounds draw you to the wrong people and wrong places. And not all men in a singles group are good, Godly men.
Early on, there was one man I fixed my eye on. I was determined that he was ‘the one’. I would talk about it with my new best friend. She also had fixated on someone. So, we would pray and talk about it. We would try to rationalize what and how to make it work out so that the relationships would happen. In other words, we were attempting to manipulate the situation.
As I look back on this, I am so very ashamed that my focus was on this and not on the kingdom of God. It breaks my heart when I think of it. With all that I knew spiritually, there was still so much toxic behavior that was unresolved. I had been delivered from a spirit of rejection. I had been delivered from a spirit of fear. But there were still toxic tendrils remaining from having lived like that for so long.
I was not healed emotionally. As I said earlier, I felt shame about how I had lived for so long. I unconsciously felt as though I didn’t deserve to be loved. I felt like I didn’t deserve to have a good man love me. I honestly didn’t believe that God would give me someone just right for me. With all my faith, I still couldn’t believe it. So, I didn’t trust Him with that part of my life.
Surrender Would Have Solved So Much
Had I only known, if I had just surrendered that part to Him, He would have performed miracles I never knew could be done. And He tried to. He brought a great man into my life who had become a great friend. But I didn’t believe he could ever love me beyond friendship, and I pushed that miracle away.
But that is not what this miracle is about. It may seem like I have been very long-winded here. And yes, I have, but feel like in order to talk about all of this you needed context.
To go back to that man that I had become fixated on and how determined that I was to ‘have him’, I decided I would fast and pray for him. Not for him as a person, but to have him as mine. What a waste of fasting and prayer. It moves mountains and so much spiritual darkness.. But to use it in a way that is so shallow and immature brings me embarrassment and a galling bitter taste in my mouth.
I knew fasting was powerful. So, I did it. I fasted for three days. No food, only water. I journaled what I hoped would happen from my fasting. That he become more than a friend. Let me say here that we had gone on a date, and then he decided I was not what he wanted for a mate. But I still hoped that prayer and fasting would ‘force’ him into another decision. That makes me cringe to this day.
My fast ended at midnight Saturday. The next morning I was so hopeful heading to church. There was nothing different when we saw each other. He said ‘hi’ and went his way. I was disappointed, but still hopeful. Church ended, and I went home devastated.
Fasting and Prayer Does Work
But once home, I went before the Lord and reminded Him I had fasted and prayed and believed, and that what I had believed for should happen. I knew that prayer and fasting were powerful and I was so confused by the outcome.
Then there was a knock on my door. It was him. He seemed a little flustered, as though he wasn’t sure why he was there. He asked me if I wanted to go to Target with him. He said he was on the way there, and before he passed by my house, he felt the overwhelming urge that he was supposed to stop and ask me to go with him.
Well, you can imagine how thrilled I was. I knew, just knew it was the answer to my fasting. We went to Target and sparks didn’t fly. It was fine. It was two friends going to Target. I am not sure we ever did anything together again after that.
So, what is the miracle here? What is the takeaway? Prayer and fasting moves mountains. I believe God wanted to show me how powerful my fasting and praying had been. But it wasn’t meant to be for me to be with that person. He wasn’t someone who could love me the way I was meant to be loved. I saw the power of fasting and prayer that day, but without the complete answer.
It was after that when God presented me with that friend who would have made a great husband. But I was so damaged still, I pushed him away and fell into one of the most toxic relationships ever with someone else. That relationship was on and off for almost nine years.
For years I kept trying to force round pegs into a square holes, going from one toxic relationship to another. Thank God, I finally broke out of it with His help.
The miracle here is that God honors fasting and prayer, even if it is misguided. It is powerful and should be used for something worthwhile. I am seriously ashamed to have to tell this story, but I wanted to show that everyone needs to use the gift of fasting and prayer in their life because it is powerful.
I have many times since prayed and fasted for important and worthy causes. Never once has it failed to provide the answer. Fasting and prayer is powerful, and let me state plainly… I was, without realizing it, using it to manipulate someone to do something against their will for my own selfish desires. The Bible speaks clearly, warning against manipulation. It is lying and attempting to coerce others to bend to our will. It is like witchcraft.
In my ignorance, God protected me. My heart was in the right place, although grossly misguided from pain and wounds unhealed. He wanted to show me the power of prayer and fasting without allowing it to come to pass.
I can assure you that when you are up against a wall and need an answer that doesn’t seem to come, prayer and fasting is a powerful way to pray. Start small with maybe only fasting a meal a day for a few days. Journal what you hope for, that you are praying for. And read the Word. Stay in tune with what the Bible is saying to you. You will not be disappointed.
Shop all versions of my novels here: Shop Here
My Media Website: NancyJacksonPodcast.com
Check out my website: NancyJacksonAuthor.com
Follow me here:
Substack: https://nancyjackson.substack.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/NancyJacksonAuthor
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NAJackson
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/najackson/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/nancyannjackson
Only the Hungry have the Authority to Become a Child of God
